A Place for My Stuff

Zits (the comic strip)

Somebody showed me this piece of clutter-related humor recently:

http://www.zitscomics.com/?date=02-04-2012#comic-image

 

 

The Non-Federal Investigation of Bureau: Receipts

One of the new target areas on my most recent "to-do" list was my bureau.  Namely, the top of my bureau.  Lots of stuff collects there.  Come to think of it, that was the same situation with my father when I was growing up.  The bureau top became quite the stuff magnet.

I started to tackle this once and for all.  It's still a work in progress as I type this, mainly because it's been a careful process of sorting through it.  I'm most certainly going to end up throwing away most of it, but given that some of these things include papers with bank account numbers, receipts, etc., it's worth dividing the trash into "to be shredded" and "not to be shredded" piles.

The most popular type of item was, indeed, receipts.  Usually I'm very good with keeping receipts and keeping them separate.  Normally I keep them in my wallet, then eventually transfer them to an envelope when my wallet gets too full.  They then get transferred to their respective bank or credit card statements before being filed away with them. 

Still, I managed to find 20 loose receipts on my bureau.  Some of these were on my wife's credit card (she doesn't want to throw them away, but doesn't want to keep them either, so if I'm around she hands them to me).  Some were just too big to fit into my wallet.  Here's just some of what I found:

• 2 receipts for CVS.  For those of you who don't live in a region where there's a CVS and never heard of them before, CVS is actually one of the largest drug store chains in the US, second only to Walgreen's.  Growing up, my mother told me that it stood for "Convenient Variety Store", though it turns out that it's actually "Consumer Value Stores".  Of course, they never use that name, and I doubt half of the CVS employees know what it stands for.
  I guess I saved these for the "Extra Value Dollars" they usually print on the end of the receipts.  That's their cute euphemism for "coupons".  Usually when you end up buying a certain product, your coupon will be for some rival product of the same type.
  I used to go there a lot, but since moving in 2010 I haven't been around a CVS, so I go elsewhere.  So there's really no use for coupons or receipts like these.

• Several receipts from Daddy's Junky Music.  I'll have more to say about them in a future blog post.
• Concert ticket receipts.  And yes, of course they're for concerts that I already went to.  The funny thing about Ticket Master is that they not only give you a printed receipt in the envelope on a sheet of paper, but an extra printed ticket that just has your name and address on it.  My wife saw this in the pile I was throwing away and gasped "Don't throw out my ticket stubs!"  I showed it to her and explained that it was just a receipt.
• Ski rental receipt.  Now that was actually quite handy to have at the time.  They put me in ski boots that were ridiculously tight, even by ski boot standards.  So I went back to the lodge, showed them the receipt, and they set me up with new boots.  That was a great trip.  It was also about a year ago.  And I have photos from the event, so I don't even need this as a souvenir.
• A sticker type of receipt that says "Nonrefundable if lost or stolen" with a bunch of numbers on it.  What did this go to?  I have no idea.  I'm guessing maybe the lift ticket I got with the skiing trip.
• Dunkin' Donuts gift card receipt.  I have $5.82 left on my card.  So what?  (An amusing side note: many years ago I got directions to a wedding reception.  The lady who wrote the directions actually wrote one of the steps as "Turn right at the Duncan Donuts".  Since when did chocolate crullers become part of a royal Scottish clan?)
• Hotel receipt.  You know how they print out a full 8.5x11" sheet for this and slip it under your door before you leave?  Well, you can't fit that in a wallet.  But the bureau is no place for it either.  Into the shredder you go.
• A printed receipt from Edible Arrangements.  The person I gave the gift to got them.  That was back in 2010.  I could have started growing a new tree with the seeds by now.
• Optometrist visit receipt. All this really reminded me was that the bastards don't take my new eye insurance plan, when I thought they did.

 

Vermin Supreme!

Well you've got to admit, he's no less sane than most other politicians.

 

A Thanksgiving Quote

Huffington Post has a list of 19 Thanksgiving Quotes by Comedians.  Sure enough, George Carlin made the list, but not the quote I was expecting.

The one I was thinking of, was the following.  It shows up on his "A Place for My Stuff" album, appropriately enough.

"Hey have you noticed that you don't seem to get laid much on Thanksgiving?  I think it's because all of the coats are on the bed."

Bag Hutch!

Plastic shopping bags are handy for a variety of things.  I use them all the time to bring lunches from home to work.

But there's a point when you really just have to face the fact that you've saved enough of them, and can get rid of at least half of your collection.  Most supermarkets these days have drop-off bins just for these.

Of course, there's always BAG HUTCH:

 

Clutter in a Pineapple Under the Sea

My wife often insists on falling asleep with the TV on.  Usually the channel is set to The Nanny on Nick.  That often means waking up the screams of Spongebob Squarepants. 

This morning though I woke up to a Spongebob episode about sentimental hoarding called "Sentimental Sponge". Here's a crappily-filmed home bootleg version to give you an idea:

 

Did any children walk away from this episode with a realization that you can't be sentimental over EVERY piece of physical matter in your life?  One can only hope.

 

The importance of a good ad headline

I was looking through the musician's classifieds on Craigslist, and found this great article:

 

Having trouble with your ad? Try making it not suck

I come on here about once a day, hoping maybe to find a fun-looking group to join. Recently, however, it seems to be the same exact set of ads posted every damn day. Let's examine some of the crappy ads that are up right now.

"Bass Player wanted. We like it epic. How about you? - (Boston)"
You like it "epic". What the fuck does that mean? You can't tell shit by reading this. Fortunately, the posting content is good, but you're missing a lot of people who don't want to click on your ad because of that godawful title. You describe yourself as being like Muse, maybe include that. Suggestion: "Bass player wanted for Muse-like band - (Boston)"

"Bass Player needed - (Boston - Providence)"
Less bullshit than above, but still the same lack of information problem. However, the post content is terrible (just a link to a website). I don't want to go to your website to figure out if I want to join you guys. Describe your band, and what you're looking for. Also, Boston and Providence are significantly far apart. Where do you actually practice/gig?

"GUITAR - (providence RI)"
This is like the king of shitty ads. Do you play guitar, or are you looking for a guitarist? Worse, the posting itself doesn't even clear that up. You play "all instruments"? Really? Including lap dulcimer, oud, psaltery, and cittern? No? Then list what you fucking play, or what you want to play in a group. Also, maybe preview your post so you don't get those stupid copy/paste typos. Get your shit together, adrian. I also don't care about your life story.

"Join the Horn section of the IOA! ! - (Brighton - Sound Museum)"
You've been posting that same ad every day for weeks now. The reason you're not getting anyone is because you sound like a bunch of monkeys banging on shit and screaming into a mic. Learn to sing and play your instruments, then look to expand. More people is just going to make it more shitty, especially the kind of crap players that you're going to attract.


Here's a perfect example of a great posting:
"Gigging classic hits band seeks bassist with strong vocals - (Andover, MA)"
It has a clear, concise title that describes the core of what they're looking for, and without any bullshit filler. Then, the posting elaborates by giving a good list of bands they cover, what they expect from the new member, what they have, and even where they tend to gig, all without being a gigantic wall o' text to read. WRITE YOUR ADS LIKE THIS.

Age-Activated Attention-Deficit Disorder

Here's a piece that I found on a message board recently.  I'm still in my 30s, but it makes me wonder how much of this is related to my own procrastination at times.

---

A.A.A.D.D. (Age-Activated Attention-Deficit Disorder)

Know the symptoms! This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
* The car isn't washed
* The bills are not paid
* There is a warm can of Pepsi on the counter
* The flowers don't have enough water
* There's just 1 check in my checkbook
* I can't find the remote OR my glasses
* And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor, please. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

If this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

And Thus Spoke the Clutter Fairy...

I could be a stinker and steal the image, but no, I'm better than that.  Go look at it here:

http://clangnuts.blogspot.com/2007/10/clutter-fairy.html

"But Bill, what are you talking about?"  Well, just click on the damn link!  It's, like, to a picture.

 

And speaking of readers...

 

Here's a review of mine for Bill Hicks: The Essential Collection.

I've been a fan of Bill Hicks ever since I saw him on TV back around 1990, when there was also so shortage of stand-up shows on cable.  I've since bought every release of his that came out, most of them being posthumous releases of course.  Hicks has also been one of the most requested acts for the comedy radio show I've been hosting for several years.

Whether you're just getting into Bill Hicks or just can't get enough of him, "The Essential Collection" is well worth picking up.  The set contains two audio CDs, two DVDs, and code to download your own copy of Hicks's personal musical project, "Lo-Fi Troubadour".

Obviously, you can't cram every routine of his on to two CDs.  But they do manage to pack a lot of his best routines in here.  This includes about 16 minutes of previously unreleased material, though admittedly most of that is just some variations on routines that were recorded from other nights ("Please Do Not Disturb", renting porno, etc.).  Still, infinitely better than most of what passes for stand-up comedy today.

The two DVDs alone are, in my opinion, well worth the cost of this set.  There are LOTS of previously unseen performances here, going all the way back to 1981!  Most of these are just single-camera shots from somebody in the audience with camcorder, but still gems none the less.  Plus there's the hilariously demented home movie, "Ninja Bachelor Party".

The music of "Lo-Fi Troubadour" was mixed together at the famous Abbey Road Studios.  These are Hicks's multi-track recordings of his own compositions.  No comedy; just music.  If you've heard the albums "Arizona Bay" or "Rant in E-Minor", then you've heard some samples of this in between those comedy tracks.  Granted, "Lo-Fi Tourbadour" isn't a would-be platinum album that will change your life.  But like everything else in this collection, it's still something honest and heart-felt.