So I took a deeper look into my enormous linen closet, and found more things.
- A box of envelopes from a company I no longer work for. No, I didn't steal them. They had our old office address on them so they were going to throw them out anyway. And to think, I've since BOUGHT envelopes to use for my landlord, never mind saving envelopes from the utilities I pay by the phone and thus don't need an envelope for. Well, no more of that. Time to use these envelopes or get rid of 'em.
- Tissue box cover. So THAT'S where that thing went. I put it back on the tissue box. Aesthetics and mucous peace have now been restored.
- Gum canisters from Starbucks. They make a great after-coffee gum. It comes in little decorative metal tins which, to packrats like me, just seem too good to throw away. Well, not this time.
- More new-agey candles and stuff. Are pixies sneaking into my apartment at night and putting these in there?
- More plastic bags. And again, not "where the bags go". I don't know if pixies work in bags. Maybe gnomes?
- Empty boxes that stuff came in. A few different boxes and containers for items that I already have out and on display. For example, a little statuette I have of a bear in a devil costume with a hard on. Why do I still have them? Well I know why I still have the bear. He's cool. But the plastic cylinder he came in? Beats me.
- Bachelor artifacts. And now we come to the category that inspired the title to this blog entry. I'm a bachelor, and it seems I've acquired stuff over the last several years from past ex-girlfriends.
Allow me to expand on that last point. Oh, and if you thought the expired condom tale from the last entry was "TMI" (too much information), then you should stop reading this entry right now.
Still reading? OK, pervs, here you go. When I say "Bachelor artifacts", I'm not talking about personal stuff like photos or love notes. When people save that sort of stuff, it's a conscious effort. I'm not even talking about more expired condoms. I'm talking about the impersonal stuff. I found bottles of nail polish, disposable razors (not mine; I use an electric), emery boards, earring backings, etc.
There's the novelty stuff too. Some ex of mine included a set of "Blow Job coupons" as a gag gift, probably as part of Valentine's day. Each page was a cartoonish "coupon", good for a free blow job from the gift-giver. They had one for "in the car", one for "in a tent", etc. Cute novelty. Yet somehow I imagine that if I were to call my ex, she'd say that no, the coupons are no longer valid. Or that she's no longer a participating location for me.
One set of things though, I knew I just had to throw out. And I'd already known about it for a long, long time. Years ago when I was a teenager, I got some kinky sex kit from the adult section of Spencer Gifts. Or maybe it was when I was in my early 20s and I got it from a porn shop. I honestly can't remember which. Anyway, this kit included not only toys, but little bottles of stuff like massage oils, cremes, and powders. And they were all sugar-based and meant to be edible. They were also still sealed. That's because like a lot of my junk, over the years I'd find some way to rationalizing "saving" them because they were just "too good". Christ, with that attitude, it's a wonder I've ever gotten laid.
Now let's forget about the kink factor and look at the facts here: these were "edible" products that were at least 10 years old, possibly 15. In fact, who know how long the the kit was sitting on the shelf before I bought it. It could very well have been 20. Was it spoiled? Well given how artificially made this stuff was, I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't. But I sure as hell was not going to try it. The only thing more UNsexy than squirting a coagulated clump of fossilized artificial sugar on your lover, would be trying to lick it off and pretending you enjoy it.
I also spent some time looking through the kitchen stuff I mentioned yesterday. I managed to eliminate one of the small boxes by either throwing out what was in there or moving it to one of the other boxes. Unfortunately, the box I eliminated wasn't big enough to make room for the box on the floor. So I still have a box on the floor. I tried shifting around the boxes on the table to different positions. It was like playing Tetris, only without the fun. Oh well, at least it didn't involve toxic x-rated novelty items.