A Place for My Stuff

Happy Halloween!

Clutter combat has taken a back seat to other projects recently. 

But since it is Halloween, I knew I had to post something Halloween-related.  And I decided on...candy!

Brunching.com, also known as "Brunching Shuttlecocks", is a comedy site that used to be updated daily.  They've long since stopped the updates, but the website is still available for browsing.  They've got a wealth of comedy bits in there.  A recurring theme were quizzes.  For example, one quiz gave a list of names, and you had to guess whether the name was a porn star, or a My Little Pony character.  And I have to admit, it was damn tough ("Lucky Star", "Cherry Pie"...could be either!)

My favorite page by far was the Candy Bar Math quiz.  Or as the silly Canadians always call them, "Chocolate Bars".

How well do you know your candy bars?  Click on the bar below and take the quiz.

If you know the ingredients, then you can do the math.  For example, a Snickers Bar minus a 3-Musketeers bar (nougat, chocolate) equals a Payday bar (peanuts, caramel).

There are some tricks to getting a quick answer to these, but I won't reveal them.  At least not today.  Good luck!

The Horribly Slow Murderer

This clip cracked me up so much that it deserves its own blog entry.

MY Wallet Clutter

To continue from the last entry, it's time again to give my wallet a dejunking inspection.  Here's what I've found in my own wallet.

Most of these, as you'll see, are "frequent buy" sorts of cards that rack up "points" for purchases.  I was already able to eliminate a LOT of them in the last round, thanks to the little UPC keyring cards that some of these places make.  But there was still a lot in here:

• Credit/ATM cards.  OK, these stay.  I do indeed use them.  And for the record, I don't own a whole lot of these and I have great credit.
• Health insurance card, and AAA card.  These stay too, for obvious reasons.
• Organization Membership cards (Mensa, COS).  They're thin.  They're me.  They stay.
• Warrant Recall Slip (laminated & shrunken photocopy).  It's a long story.  To sum it up: in 1992 I got a speeding ticket, but the cop copied my address incorrectly, so the summons kept being mailed to a non-existent address.  I never knew there was a problem until SIX years later in 1998, when we finally figured out what happened and got the mess straightened out.  I got this slip from the DA to "carry with me indefinitely".  I've never had to present it to a cop, but better safe than sorry.
• My own professional business cards.  Just a few of these, for one of my side professions.  They DID indeed come in hand just a couple of weeks ago when I ran into new clients.  Keepers!
• Frequent buyer card for Drug store. I shop there a lot.  And this does give me those oh so extra special savings. This stays.
• Cash.  Do I even have to explain this one?
• Drivers' License.  Ditto.
• Two cards for my OLD dental plan.  Ah-ha! Out you go!
• Pharmacy card from my OLD health insurance plan.  Bye-bye!
• Receipts.  As mentioned in another entry, I typically keep receipts for everything in my wallet, then periodically take them all out to put with my bank statements or credit card bills.  It was about time to do this again.  Ah, MUCH easier to close the wallet now.
• Las Vegas monorail card from my trip back in February.  You buy these at the monorail stops from an electric dispensing machine.  Slide your credit card through, and it dispenses a thick paper card with a magnetic strip, good for however many rides you purchased.  How many were left on this?  Impossible to tell.  At first it seems like I should just throw it away, but instead I'll file it away in my "Vegas" folder, where I know I'll see it the next time I head out there.  Better there than in my wallet every day.
• Phone number.  A guitarist I know gave me his contact info.  I've never called the guy, but we see each other at the same party twice a year.  I must have had this damn piece of paper in my wallet now for years.  So, I just copied the into to my cellphone and tossed the paper.  Problem solved.
• Restaurant gift card.  I called the number on the back to see what the balance was.  Disconnected number.  Then I went to the website and I checked there. Zero dollars.  This is one of those cards that they can add credit to, but of course you can just get a whole new gift card there as well.  And this one is cracked.  Sayonara!

Now, here's where we get to some of the ambiguous stuff: the cards for places that I probably visit less frequently than once a month, if not once a year.

• Museum pass.  I do go here somewhat frequently.  I'll keep this.
• Hot Topic frequent buyers card.  Jesus, this thing must be 10 years old.  I can't even remember the last time I stepped inside a hot topic.  I don't know if they'd even accept this.  But I'd have to spend another $40 before I'd get a 15% off coupon.  Would it even be worth it?  I might as well ditch this.  This DOES however remind me though of the time when I had a similar card for a video store.  It was in my parents' town when I was growing up.  Rent 15 videos or something like that, get one free.  Each time you rent a video, they punch a hole.  I had the damn thing for years, and had one more damn hole to punch.  My brother was leaving the house to go to the store.  "Wait, take this!"  He took it.  Came back.  And somehow between then and this 10 minute trip, he lost the card.  God fucking damn it!
• Local Coffeehouse Frequent Buyer Card.  Another one of those "buy 10, get some discount".  I just started visiting this place and I must admit, I liked the place.  I may just keep this.
• Best Buy Rewards card, book store card.  I do tend to go to these places a lot, so they stay.
• Restaurant cards, video arcade card, Foxwoods Casino card.  Place I don't go all that often, but I'd hate to be out at these places only to realize that I stored the cards at home.  I think I'll put these together in my car's glove compartment, since if I'm going to be at these places, there's a 99% chance I will have come via my car.
• Two library cards.  One of these libraries, I go to a lot.  The other, I haven't been to in years.  Keep the first, throw the second in with the "glove compartment" stack.  I know what they say about keeping cards in your glove compartment.  I suppose I should be afraid that if somebody stole my car, they could also take out a bunch of library books without returning them, but somehow I doubt it.  How hard would it be to forge a library card without stealing a car anyway?  Are there really any bookworm criminals out there?
• Video store cards. These days there's only one I visit, and it's pretty rare when I do.  And that one, I have keyring card for.  The other two are used even more rarely.  In fact my Blockbuster card still has the name of my girlfriend from college on it (basically, it was a joint account and I ended up taking it over, and everything has long since been in my name).  Though now Blockbuster has an online rental store, kind of like Netflix.  I may look into this.
• Calling card.  I forgot I had this until I was shredding the old bills for it a couple of weeks back.  I got this from my fraternity.  You use it to place a call at for example a payphone, and at the end of the month you get a bill for what you were charged.  A percentage of this went to the fraternity headquarters as a donation.  I used to use it mostly back when I was still living with my parents, so that my dad would stop flipping out every time I called out of the area code.  Of course, things have changed.  I've moved out of my parents place some time ago (in fact, THEY have since moved out of that house some time ago too), have my own phone, and we live in the age of not only cell phones, but also cheap nation-wide calling plans.  No longer do you get charged up the wazoo for calling outside of your area code (and Massachusetts, despite being a small state, has a lot of area codes).  No idea if it's still good.  I'll have to call customer service on Monday.  But if it is, into the glove compartment you go. 

Boy, does my wallet feel lighter.  And in a good way.  My right butt cheek will thank me for all of this the next time I sit down.

Wallet Clutter

As I might have mentioned, a lot of the same clutter-clearing attitudes and techniques can work on the "micro" level too.  Some clutter is physically small, but given its "container" and the percentage it takes up, it's still clutter.  Just take computer-related stuff for example.  It's sure smaller than keeping tons of physical print outs of things, but there's still a lot of crap to sift through: saved emails from 5 years ago in your inbox, browser bookmarks you don't use, desktop shortcuts you don't need, and so on. I'm sure I'll eventually have some blog entries on cleaning out these things for myself.

But here, I just want to talk about that ultimate piece of stuff: the wallet.  In George Carlin's extended version of his "A Place for My Stuff" Routine (found in his first book, Brain Droppings), this was the final piece carried to the final destination.  This is an exercise I've already done, but it's well worth mentioning here to share it.  Try this yourself right now, or better yet, with some friends.  I'd be interested in hearing the results.

From Don Aslett's "Clutter's Last Stand":

We're all wowed these days by demonstrations of how much information can be stored on a tiny computer chip.  But gar more impressive is something we've managed to do all by ourselves for years -- how much we can store in a tiny wallet.  I've seen wallets that are so crowded, they actually issue a sigh of relief whenever they're opened.Once a friend at dinner entertained his guests by going through the small compact leather container.  There were six-year-old business cards (from two jobs ago), stashed cigar bands, 1977-78 fishing licenses (this was '83) a YMCA pass from a state he no longer lived in, and of course a complete portable picture gallery.

The weight and bulk of all this is phenomenal...and most of it is packed so tight the wallet itself is bulging and distended like a colicky cow.  The contents themselves are all bent and frayed and blurred.  If you want to have fun at a party, have a wallet-stripping contest.  I'll wager 75% of your entries are either clutter or something you clearly don't need to be packing around.

OK, I said that I've already done this, but it's worth looking through again.  I'll talk about my own discoveries on my next entry.

Strange Massachusetts Laws

If you've been using the internet for even just a few years, you've probably had a friend forward you a list of allegedly "strange laws" from different states.  These are really bizarre laws that are too weird to enforce, but have still somehow made it into the books.

Unfortunately, like many mass-forwarded stories, these "strange laws" lists are often completely bogus.  This list for example claims a whole host of weird things about Massachusetts.  For example: all men must bring a rifle to church on Sunday, it's illegal to go to sleep without taking a bath, and (one of the many ones that I heard growing up) it's illegal to eat peanuts in church.

Again, most of these sorts of laws are completely untrue.  To verify this, I went to the official on-line coy of the General Laws of Massachusetts and did some searching.

Still, given Massachusetts' history of pilgrims and witch-hangings, it should be no surprise that there are a few strange laws that we still have in the books.  So here are some I did find on the site, along with the associated link.

• It's illegal to sell baking soda unless you print the maker's name and address on the label.
• It's illegal to misuse a milk crate.
• While there are no specific rules against peanuts, it is apparently still illegal to interrupt a church service.
• Adultery?  Still illegal!
• Actually, never mind adultery.  Good ol' fornication is illegal. Not that it's ever stopped some of this state's Catholic priests.  Did any of them interrupt Sunday mass while getting it on with an altar boy?  Actually, don't answer that.  Let's just move on to the last one.
• And although I'm sure any court case would escalate to a federal case and get thrown out of court for being a violation of the first amendment, the fact remains that blasphemy is illegal in Massaschusetts.  God damnit, what are we going to do?

Unrelated Updates

Here is some of what I've been up to lately.  Or at least the stuff I feel like mentioning.

• Got rid of the floppies.  After running the ad on Craigslist a second time, somebody finally responded and (after a bit of a run-around) finally picked them up.  Yay!
• Car maintenance. Car mechanics and dealerships are notorious for ripping people off.  The good news though is that if you search your friends and friends-of-friends, you're bound to find at least one mechanic who can do freelance work for you.  And that's what I did this time.  He took a look at my car to diagnose my problem, told me what parts I needed to buy at the local auto parts store, and did the work (in the pouring rain, no less) for ridiculously cheap.  Given the sad state of the economy, I'd say this is a win-win situation: not only are YOU saving money, but I'm sure there are people with mechanical skills out there who may be all to eager to make a direct buck with somebody.
• Saw Couples Retreat today.  Typically I hate "romantic comedies", but this was actually not a bad flick at all.  Though one of the previews I caught was for A Serious Man, which looks damn interesting.
• Bought the new Richard Dawkins book.  I've always had some mixed feelings about his writings.  Sometimes I think the content of his books come in an odd order, where entire chapters seem like odd tangents.  But when he does get to that point of taking an otherwise complicated subject in biology and nailing its description in layman's terms, it's incredible.  So far I think it's still an enjoyable read.  It does blow my mind that there are still full grown adults in the 21st century who claim to not "believe" in evolution.  Of course, when you try to talk with them on the issue, you realize really quick that they're quite clueless on the subject (some of them don't even know 8th grade stuff, like the difference between a hypothesis and a theory), and base their "disbelief" on ridiculous misconceptions.  Ron White said that you can't fix stupid.  But I do applaud Dawkins' efforts for at least trying.
• It snowed today!  I like having all four seasons, but not in the same month.  Snow before Halloween is just too weird.
• My friend Michael sent me the links to this extensive (3+ hour) interview with George Carlin.  I'd seen some of it, but certainly not all of it before.

Homeopathy and Immortal Banana Chips

Here are some of the latest exotic additions to my trash can:

• SnoreStop Extinguisher.  I am a damn loud snorer.  5 or 6 years ago, I wasn't.  I don't know what caused the transition.  Regardless, I've tried just about everything: nose strips, odd nose devices, sprays, anti-snoring throat strips, and I've been considering that over-priced pillow at Brookstone.  I see some anti-snore stuff in the store and think, "Well what the heck.  I'll give this one a try too." and throw it in the basket.  Well, "SnoreStop Extinguisher", a little spray pump, was another thing that didn't work.  And the little can expired 10 months ago.  This means that its only purpose is to be another domino tile in my bureau-top drug store, the cascade of fun which happens whenever I reach for something in the dark ("Where's my Naonex?  Oops, there goes the deodorant.  And the saline spray.  And the eye drops.  And the contact drops.  And...")

I should have known this product wouldn't work, because I should have paid more attention to the label.  The front of the can includes the words "Maximum Strength" and "homeopathic".  Why is this a problem?  Because the whole bogus notion of homeopathy based on minimum strength!  If you don't know what I'm talking about, please watch this clip.

The concentrations on the back read "3x" and "6x". You know what that means?  Well every "x" means they take part of the original solution and mix it with 9 parts water, then mix THAT with 9 parts water, and so on, for a total number of times that you see next to the "x".  So "3x" and "6x" means 0.1% and 0.0001%, respectively, concentrations of the stuff that works.  Some homeopathy stuff is "30x".  I have a Master's Degree in mathematics, and I also had a background in chemical engineering too.  So trust me when I say I did the math, and found out that if I had a "5x" solution of cyanide, and took an entire Olympic swimming pool of the stuff, there still wouldn't be enough cyanide there to kill me.

• Danielle Premium Hand Cooked Honey Banana Chips. As I've stated and quoted Don Aslett on the matter, we find a whole manner of excuses to keep things.  Food is no exception.  This is something I paid a little more than average for, in this specialized store in the little-but-often-expensive town of Rockport, Massachusetts.  I don't feel "ripped off" of though, and I do still go to this little place during the summer, because I do enjoy food on the uncommon side, even if that means being imported and costing a little more.  It''s one of those things in life that I'm willing to pay for.

The real justification here though isn't the price.  It's the expiration date.  These banana chips don't expire until next year.  Yet the product claims to have "no preservatives".  Sure enough though, the only ingredients according to the back of the bag are "fresh bananas, palm oil".  And I do like banana chips, but these aren't the "banana chips" that you know and love from that giant bin in the supermarket or candy store in between the bin of dried pineapple pieces and the bin of dried apricots.  No, these are not thin slices.  And while they started off crispy, they are now like trying to chew a banana-flavored sponge.  If I suspected a nuclear holocaust coming up, I'd keep them.  But alas, I'm going to take a gamble here and throw the damn things out.

• More expirations. The banana "chips" got me wondering about other expired things I might have.  I checked out my medicine cabinet.  Surprisingly, nothing out of date!  But the linen closet, where I fit the stuff I can't fit in the medicine cabinet was another story.
• • Expired calamine lotion. I'm convinced that one of every two households in the US has one of these expired bottles in their home.  Did the crap ever even work as an anti-itch treatment?  Or is the idea to get you to stop touching the itchy areas because to do so would make pink dust stains on your clothes?
  • Expired Saline spray. Long shelf life, but none the less a shelf life shorter than infinity.  This one was unopened, as it came with a buy-1-get-1-free pack whose first one I never finished.
  • Beano. Otherwise known as anti-fart pills.  
  • Local drug store chain's rival product for Neosporin.  Another buy-1-get-1-free pack whose first tube I never used up
  • SnoreStop anti-snoring pills.  Yet another thing I tried for my snoring, and they didn't work.  Wait, what's this say at the bottom?  "Homeopathic, maximum strength?"  Aw, son of a bitch!

Mad Personal Ads

I was going to write a commentary here on personal ads, but...ehh.  I'll save that for another time.  In the meantime, here's a particularly memorable piece from Mad Magazine.

 

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1919)

I have a feeling that many of you probably don't know where I got the blog title "The Cabinet of Dr. Cluttergari" from.  It's a parody of "The Cabinet of Dr. CaligarI", which was an old silent film.

I believe the movie is in the public domain now.  Watch it.  Happy Halloween!

The Cabinet of Dr. Cluttergari: The Sequel!

I have spent several hours over the last few days straightening out the many boxes of papers in my kitchen, and at the same time, organizing my files.  So over the last few days, my kitchen has looked like this:

And after seeing this photo, it dawns on me that I didn't take that crappy electric broom vac to the thrift store the day before.  Damnit, I KNEW I was forgetting something!

First, a recap.  As you might recall, I have tons of stuff piled up in my kitchen, especially paper items (see the July blog entry on my kitchen, which includes an embarrassing photo.)  By "paper items", I pretty much mean saved seven years worth of stuff like utility bill letters, phone bill statements, bank statements, credit card statements and receipts, work payment stubs, and so on.  I also recently mentioned cleaning out my file cabinet in my bedroom, and getting this straightened out.

My Dad is the paper-organizing KING.  I wouldn't be surprised if tucked away in some file cabinet, he has a documented folder called "Bill's birth", complete with not only my birth certificate but any related hospital paperwork taken home that day.  He is not, however, a packrat.  Never has been.  Somehow he's manage to find the balance between the two.  I'm sure having more file cabinet space has a lot to do with it, but that's not the only explanation.  Looking my my parents' home compared to my home, the clutter levels couldn't be more different.  There's still some selective process going on. 

So I called up my Dad for some advice.  He said that unless it's ultimately related to something that you can put down in your taxes (bank statements, work stubs, car payments, etc.), you can usually just throw it out.  When it comes to other stuff, it might not hurt to hold on to stuff from the last 3 years, but 7 years is needlessly long.

Taking his advice, I proceed to go through ALL of those past stubs I saved from my heating bill, electric bill, phone bill, phone card, student loans, health benefits, 401k, benefit stuff from past jobs, and other oddities I could find.  There I sat on that stool, going trough boxes of these things to sort, shred, or file away. 

The shredder got jammed about half a dozen times.  I had to unplug the thing, and work on it with tweezers and vice grips.  But then it would work again.  I filled up 6 of those wastebasket bags.  I also filled up my big recycling bin.  Once nice thing about this shredder is that it shreds credit cards too.  Besides a few old credit cards, I also shredded old cards from health plans and dental plans.

I did however save all of my credit card and bank statements.  By the way, every month when I receive these, here is exactly what I do:

• I pull out all of my receipts from my wallet
• Check to see if everything balances out (If it's a credit card statement, then I check to make sure I have a receipt for every charge that's on there.  If it's a bank statement, then I check it against my checkbook record.  When I do on-line purchases, I'll write a note about it on a little slip of paper and put in my wallet with the other receipts.)
• I fold up the pages of the statement, with my related receipts in the middle.
• I either put the folded pages into an envelope, or staple the sides closed so that the receipts won't slip out.
• Finally, I put the date range on the outside of the envelope and file it away.

Over the years though I've acquired a lot of old receipts that I forgot to put in one envelope or another.  I went through the small stack of these things and put them all in their proper place.  When that was all done, I put all of the old statements in a box and put them upstairs in my storage closet.

Anyway, here are the final results.  ALL of these little papers now in my kitchen have either been shredded, filed away properly in the filing cabinet, or are in a small box of "current" items (e.g., my credit card and bank statements from the past 6 months).  When I get enough of those "current" items to fill the little box, I'll either shred them or move them into the storage.  The filing cabinet has been straightened out, the papers in the kitchen have been straightened out, many things have been thrown away, and I can see more of my kitchen floor than ever before.

I'll have a few more things to take care of in the kitchen, before I'm confident in taking an "after" photo to compare with the July's "before" photo. 

And much of an accomplishment as this was, believe me, I've got plenty more to go.  This blog isn't ending any time soon.