Here are some of the latest exotic additions to my trash can:
- SnoreStop Extinguisher. I am a damn loud snorer. 5 or 6 years ago, I wasn't. I don't know what caused the transition. Regardless, I've tried just about everything: nose strips, odd nose devices, sprays, anti-snoring throat strips, and I've been considering that over-priced pillow at Brookstone. I see some anti-snore stuff in the store and think, "Well what the heck. I'll give this one a try too." and throw it in the basket. Well, "SnoreStop Extinguisher", a little spray pump, was another thing that didn't work. And the little can expired 10 months ago. This means that its only purpose is to be another domino tile in my bureau-top drug store, the cascade of fun which happens whenever I reach for something in the dark ("Where's my Naonex? Oops, there goes the deodorant. And the saline spray. And the eye drops. And the contact drops. And...")
I should have known this product wouldn't work, because I should have paid more attention to the label. The front of the can includes the words "Maximum Strength" and "homeopathic". Why is this a problem? Because the whole bogus notion of homeopathy based on minimum strength! If you don't know what I'm talking about, please watch this clip.
The concentrations on the back read "3x" and "6x". You know what that means? Well every "x" means they take part of the original solution and mix it with 9 parts water, then mix THAT with 9 parts water, and so on, for a total number of times that you see next to the "x". So "3x" and "6x" means 0.1% and 0.0001%, respectively, concentrations of the stuff that works. Some homeopathy stuff is "30x". I have a Master's Degree in mathematics, and I also had a background in chemical engineering too. So trust me when I say I did the math, and found out that if I had a "5x" solution of cyanide, and took an entire Olympic swimming pool of the stuff, there still wouldn't be enough cyanide there to kill me.
- Danielle Premium Hand Cooked Honey Banana Chips. As I've stated and quoted Don Aslett on the matter, we find a whole manner of excuses to keep things. Food is no exception. This is something I paid a little more than average for, in this specialized store in the little-but-often-expensive town of Rockport, Massachusetts. I don't feel "ripped off" of though, and I do still go to this little place during the summer, because I do enjoy food on the uncommon side, even if that means being imported and costing a little more. It''s one of those things in life that I'm willing to pay for.
The real justification here though isn't the price. It's the expiration date. These banana chips don't expire until next year. Yet the product claims to have "no preservatives". Sure enough though, the only ingredients according to the back of the bag are "fresh bananas, palm oil". And I do like banana chips, but these aren't the "banana chips" that you know and love from that giant bin in the supermarket or candy store in between the bin of dried pineapple pieces and the bin of dried apricots. No, these are not thin slices. And while they started off crispy, they are now like trying to chew a banana-flavored sponge. If I suspected a nuclear holocaust coming up, I'd keep them. But alas, I'm going to take a gamble here and throw the damn things out.
- More expirations. The banana "chips" got me wondering about other expired things I might have. I checked out my medicine cabinet. Surprisingly, nothing out of date! But the linen closet, where I fit the stuff I can't fit in the medicine cabinet was another story.
- Expired calamine lotion. I'm convinced that one of every two households in the US has one of these expired bottles in their home. Did the crap ever even work as an anti-itch treatment? Or is the idea to get you to stop touching the itchy areas because to do so would make pink dust stains on your clothes?
- Expired Saline spray. Long shelf life, but none the less a shelf life shorter than infinity. This one was unopened, as it came with a buy-1-get-1-free pack whose first one I never finished.
- Beano. Otherwise known as anti-fart pills.
- Local drug store chain's rival product for Neosporin. Another buy-1-get-1-free pack whose first tube I never used up
- SnoreStop anti-snoring pills. Yet another thing I tried for my snoring, and they didn't work. Wait, what's this say at the bottom? "Homeopathic, maximum strength?" Aw, son of a bitch!
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