As I might have mentioned before, I view this whole clutter issue as my own problem. And when it comes to life's problems, I believe in taking self-responsibility. I do ultimately "blame" myself for the state I'm in, but I'm not self-loathing about it. I have never been an advocate of 12-step programs (and yes, there is a 12-step program out there for pack rats). That's because 12-step programs are based on the concept of you being powerless, and having to turn to a "higher power" for the solution. Maybe groveling and self-loathing work for some people, but not me.
Having said all that, I can certainly point out another one of those long-time sources of clutter: parents. How many times have you visited them, only to leave with two or three boxes of stuff? And it keeps happening over the years. Why? Mainly because it's hard for us to say "no" in front of them. There's some sort of guilt attached to it (if not laid on thick by the parents) for either rejecting a generous offer, or not taking your share of post-holiday junk. Sometimes you just want to humor them by taking it.
Should it be my responsibility to say "no"? Sure. But that doesn't change the facts here. Visiting your parents and other relatives CAN indeed lead to clutter. My parents live 1,500 miles away from me, so it's not unusual for me to have to mail stuff back since my suitcases only hold so much.
Even aside from clutter, I have noticed that when I get into an argument with my parents, it usually follows this pattern:
- One or both parents offer something to me. This could be an offer to take something home with me, or one of 12 different Thanksgiving side dishes to put on a plate that only holds 7, or something to wear in different weather, or their help to find a lost item, or suggestions on where to find that lost item, or who knows what else.
- I politely decline their offer.
- Actions 1 and 2 repeat themselves every 15 seconds for the next ten minutes.
- I get annoyed at this point, and start being more firm and less polite when I decline the decline offer for the 41st time.
- Parent takes offense to this, accusing me of being rude or ungrateful.
I have tried to deal with this in different ways. For example, one time at Xmas dinner, I thought I could stop the argument before it started by literally announcing, "Before I begin eating, I would like to take this time to announce that my plate can only hold so many fixings here, and I will not be able to get everything in one round. So if there's something you do not see featured on my dinner plate, there's no need to ask about it. I WILL GET AROUND TO IT." Well, that just started the fighter earlier. And forget about trying to put forward a logical argument; parents simply can't distinguish between intelligent debate and personal attack.
However, last Xmas I did find a method that works. Basically, when it comes time for me to do step #2, I just pick a particular line to use, and keep repeating it on every round. In order for this to work though, you MUST use the same exact wording, and make it louder and louder (and/or more and more annoying) every time it's your turn. You can use a sillier and sillier voice, like a voice that gets more and more heavily accented to the point of sounding ridiculous. Throw in wild dancing gestures if you have to. Also, make sure you smile through the whole thing. Become happier and happier with each turn. If they ask "Why are you talking like that?" or "What's the deal with" some gesture you use, don't answer. Just stick with the line. Eventually, they'll realize that they don't want to hear you repeat the same line again and back off.
Here's how I successfully warded off taking home several entire boxes of hard candy and candy canes which I knew would only sit around my apartment for the next 6 months uneaten, but wouldn't fit in my suitcase anyway.
Mom: "Billy, do you want some of these candies?"
Me: "Nope, I'm already takin' more than one man can handle."
2 minutes later...
Mom: "Billy, do you want some of these candies?"
Me (adding an annoying southern accent drawl): "Nope, I'm already a-takin' more than one maaaan can handle!"
Another 2 minutes go by...
Mom: "Billy, take some of these candies!"
Me (even louder, and throwing in a more emphasized cowboy yodel): "Nooooope, I'm already a-takin' moooooooore than one maaaaaaaan can handle!"
Mom: [disgusted glare]
Me: [dopey smile, frozen in place]
Mom: "Oh great, so this is all going to go to waste", followed by other guilt-tripped mutterings.
Me: "Well, it's like I said," throwing my hands up in the air like I'm holding some 6-shooters, and shaking my hips, shouting "Umma ready a-takin' mo' danno MAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN can handle!"
At this point she probably realized that hearing that line one more time from me was a worse fate than keeping those god damn candies. So it ended. I got on that plane knowing I'd have one less pile of crap on my living room floor.
And before I get any hate mail from self-righteous mama's boys: let me just state for the record that I do love my parents and have a great relationship with them. But when you've known anybody for many years, you learn about their annoying aspects as well. I've realized that I can't spend more than 72 straight hours with them under the same roof until all hell breaks loose. Here's one final tip: scheduling two three-day trips will do more for family relationships than trying to spend one annual full week together.
